A Pirate's Life For Me
by A. B. Flarain
Summary: The existence of space means the existence of pirates. They've terrorized the Galaxy for decades, but they've always been kept in check, due to (or perhaps despite) the best efforts of the Galactic Federation. And one poor girl's caught in the middle of it all. A humorous look at the larger organizations across the galaxy. Because it's not just Science Team with vapor for brains.


Wrote this in a fit of inspiration after binging a lot of other _Metroid_ fics. I know there will be disappointment that this is not one of the other big stories I've already started, but I'll take what progress I can get. So enjoy yet another long story that I'm going to push out a few chapters for before it inevitably fall dormant from my lack of consistent writing time. Hope you get a chuckle anyway.

* * *

Chapter 1: Yo-Ho-Ho and a Planet Goes Boom

* * *

_Oh, f_, his head hurt. Ohhhhh, f_, his _everything_ hurt. _Jackhammers danced in his brain, while his insides felt like fire, and not just because he was still in the bowels of Norfair. In a haze of nausea and pain, his last memories came back to him. _Oh, right, I had a gun jammed down my maw and deepthroated a belly full of super missiles._ Slowly pushing himself up on the warm stones, Ridley opened his eyes a sliver. The low light from the magma didn't do much to worsen the pounding in his head, but the background rumbling wasn't his friend right now.

_What the hell is with the shaking? We don't get earthquakes in Norfair..._

TIME BOMB SET!

ESCAPE IMMEDIATELY!

_Well, I guess that explains that. We failed again, and she—_

3:00 MINUTES UNTIL PLANET DETONATION!

_THOSE F_ING IDIOTS RIGGED THE WHOLE F_ING PLANET? WHAT THE F_WAS WRONG WITH THOSE MORONS? _

Hefting himself on his haunches with a grunt—was that a piece of his intestine?—He began the arduous dash for freedom. His wings were still somewhat serviceable, letting him hover and glide over the lava and acid pits littering the back corridors he took between his lair and the surface.

_Here's Brinstar, I can make it, I'm almost there. Move, move! Goddamn, this tower is long. I'm gonna—Hurgghg..._

He vomited on his way up, all blood and green hunks of what he assumed was more of his organs, but there wasn't time to think about it, he was in old Torian now, and everything was falling apart; the ceiling was practically already coming down on his head.

_Gotta move, gotta move, almost there, they better have gotten Kraid and the others out, if they rigged the whole planet and left us all to burn, I swear to go—F_._

His exit was cut off. The last tunnel out into the open air of Crateria was nothing but rubble.

_Dammit, dammit, dammit! Is there any part of me that _isn't_ beat to shit?_

His tail.

Spinning, and squinting his eyes at the burning pain wracking his body, he slashed away at the rubble again and again. He could feel the fire in his gut (the kind he breathed, not the metaphorical _ow-ow-ow_) was too weak to help now, so he kept slashing.

"Get." _Crack_ "Out." _Crack_ "Of." _Crack_ "My." _Crack _"F_ing." _CRACK _"WAY!"

Finally, the wall of debris crumbled down and he could smell the cool, acidic atmosphere of Crateria. Muscles burning, bones creaking, he lumbered over the rubble and out into the open air.

_Time to see if these old wings can still reach escape velocity._

He felt his knee pop out of joint as he leapt into the air and flapped for all he was worth. It was a strange sensation, leaving the heavy atmosphere; he barely felt the air burning against his skin, hardened and blackened in the fires of Norfair, but his open wounds, and the weaker, newly re-grown flesh around his stomach burned and itched and threatened to overwhelm his senses. Black began to creep into the corners of is vision as he desperately worked to put as much distance between himself and the 4.8 trillion teraton time-bomb.

_I made it. Finally. Someone's gonna pay for that when I get back. Is that another ship? Why is it getting warmer—OH SHI—_

_*KABOOM*_

* * *

_Pirate's Log _

_Plunder-Class Cruiser Proserpius_

_Date 20XX_

_All is clear as we continue to drift through the debris of the once planet Zebes. We escaped notice from the Hunter by hiding behind one of the planet's moons. Unfortunately, this also meant we had to make emergency evasive maneuvers when the whole place went kablooey. Points to Bob in Navigation for that brilliant suggestion. Unfortunately, he was not accidentally left in the airlock overnight, but is at least cleaning the latrines. With Kraid aboard, this is particularly cruel punishment. Speaking of the fat bastard, it is at his insistence that we continue to troll through this sea of rubble and refuse. Jones thinks he's holding out hope that Commander Ridley survived. Don't see how that's possible. Most of everything is a rough gravel at this point. Nobody likes Jones anyway. He ate the last bear claw. I feel boredom setting in as we comb through another field of spinning rock and unidentifiable plant matter. This is not helped by our helmsman, Mike, who is usually an ace pilot and frankly the only reason most of us are still alive, taking every opportunity to surreptitiously view pornography during the scanning lulls. It's been 37 minutes, and I feel insanity beginning to take hold._

* * *

"Hey, I think we've got something! Bio-signs detected!"

"Huh—Wah!" another pirate cried, feet falling from where they had been propped on the console, a tablet computer went flying from his claws and clattered across the floor. "You sure it's not just another hunk of moss?" He finally asked, once he had regained some composure. Another pirate walked over and picked up the tablet, becoming engrossed in the screen as he went back to his chair.

"Yeah, it's too big. I think you better go get Commander Kraid."

"Did somebody call for me?" The lift doors separated at the back of the bridge and the reptilian commander stepped through. He approached the main console, his diminutive form weaving between the chairs on the bridge.

"Sir!" The pirate at the con saluted him, "We've detected a large biomass behind that asteroid; it's the best chance we've had to find him."

Kraid nodded, eyes glued to the view screen as they crested over the large mass of rock in front of them.

There, floating amidst the gravel and dust, a small black and purple body lay motionless.

"It's him! Kraid cried. A flurry of orders and activity followed. "John, prepare the tractor beam, Mike bring us in range, Sally, send word down to Ted in medical bay to be ready to receive Commander Ridley."

"Are we sure he's even alive?" The pirate at the helm asked, "How could anyone survive that?"

"Ridley could," Kraid told him, eyes hard. "What's the temperature of the body?"

The pirate clacked a few keys. "Three degrees Centigrade."

"Then he's alive," Kraid said with finality.

"Even though he's the temperature of poorly-kept fish?"

"Yes, damn it!" Kraid's fist destroyed a minor console. "Now tractor him in!"

The pirate squeaked and began rapidly clacking on the main console. Only once Ridley's insensate form began moving did Kraid relax.

"The chemical reactions in his belly," Kraid haltingly explained as he watched his friend slowly taken up into the ship, "that let him breath fire, also produce oxygen as a by-product. That's how the Commander is able to survive the vacuum of space for extended periods. Those chemical reactions cease around the 0 degree mark."

As Ridley's body finally disappeared into the hull, Kraid visibly sighed with relief. Straightening, he gave final orders before briskly leaving:

"Sally, radio down to Engineering to fire the engines and prepare for hyperspace; John, get Bob up from the shitter and set a course for the Homeworld. We've lived through another one, gentleman; let's go home."

* * *

_Mission Log_

_Space Hunter Samus Aran_

_Date 20XX 6:57 PM GMT_

_As expected, Ridley was waiting for me at the end of the temples in Norfair. He had completely re-grown his organic structure, which ironically increased his combat capabilities. The super-heated lava of lower Norfair nullified the advantages of my Gravity Suit, but I was eventually able to put him down via direct application of Super Missiles to his internal organs. His chest cavity and abdomen exploded outward. There is little chance he survived, especially given the current condition of the planet. In the room beyond him, I discovered the Hatchling's capsule, broken and abandoned. It was disappointing, but not unexpected. With a growing sense of dread, I made my way back to the Golden Statue._

_With the four guardians now deceased, the bio-locks were undone, allowing me access to a new Tourian. I was immediately swarmed by metroids. It seems that the Space Pirates had not only begun the duplication process, but had also found a way to accelerate their growth. It mattered little. I once again found myself playing the role of exterminator as I wove a path of destruction through the base [SA1]._

_Coming to a new part of the base with a soft, sandy floor, I was greeted with an unsettling sight: a Torizo seemingly in suspended animation. It was gray, and lifeless, disintegrating into ash as soon as I touched it [SA2]. More creatures in a similar state followed. The only living creature in this strange habitat was a single side-hopper, grown to a gargantuan size. Before I could dispose of it, I was caught completely off-guard by the largest metroid I have ever seen [SA3]. Scan results classified it as a _Super Metroid_, its immense size likely due to over-exposure to beta rays. It did not occur to me at the time what that meant. The super metroid drained the life from the side-hopper in short order, and turned its attention to me. I stood no chance. I could only get off one shot—which failed to freeze it—before I was ensnared by its mandibles. Both normal bombs and Power Bombs failed to shake it off, and my options looked grim. To my surprise, as soon as my suit's critical energy alarm went off, the metroid released me. Even then, I was clueless to the meaning. Only when it chirped forlornly and fled did the realization hit me: it was the Hatchling. It must still have recognized me as its mother, even after all this time [SA4]. _

_It wasn't very long until I saw another old "friend." Mother Brain, restored to her old glory. It appears that the Pirates were very busy in the time since I last saw them. They had constructed a monstrous mechanical body for Mother. Its durability was an issue, but not as much as its firepower. Even my Power Suit was no match for its 'Laser Brain Attack.' I've swam through magma, and I've never felt pain so intense. Left crippled and gasping for breath, it would have been the end, were it not for an unlikely savior. I owe my life to the Hatchling. It attacked the brain, reducing her to a crouching husk, and was somehow able to return energy to my suit. It was at that time that Mother revived and began attacking the Hatchling. Engulfed as I was in the metroid, I was paralyzed. I could only watch as the Mother Brain struck down the Hatchling. However, a last minute rescue was not the only gift the Hatchling bequeathed me. :ERROR: INSUFFICIENT CLEARANCE:ERROR: So armed, Mother stood no chance. The self-destruct timer was expected. The planet-wide detonation was not. Neither was the last minute detour to save some survivors: Etecoons and Dachoras. My ship's computer confirmed they escaped safely. It is with a heavy heart that I make my way back to Federation HQ. I lost the Hatchling, and destroyed Zebes, my childhood home. Nonetheless, the metroid menace has finally been eliminated and the Space Pirates have been dealt a crippling blow._

_Status:_

_THE MISSION WAS COMPLETED SUCCESSFULLY [SA5]_

[SA1] Samus's personal note: After fighting so many Rinkas, it'll be a miracle if I come out of this without an irrational fear of doughnuts and anything ring-shaped.

[SA2] Samus's personal note: If they were that easy to fight normally, I could get rid of this crippling paranoia every time I stepped into a Chozo Offering Room.

[SA3]Correction: Seen in its larval stage. For comparison, this larval metroid was roughly the same size as the Omega Metroids encountered on SR388.

[SA4] Samus's Personal note: [ERROR: ENCRYPTION KEYS NOT PRESENT. DECRYPTION FAILED]

[SA5] Samus's Personal note: The irony of this statement does not escape me. Given that [ERROR: ENCRYPTION KEYS NOT PRESENT. DECRYPTION FAILED]

* * *

It was quiet in the medical bay when Kraid walked in. There was an abundance of white noise—the hum of machinery, various monitors beeping, some sort of fluid dripping somewhere—but that somehow made the silence all the more deafening. In the middle of the room lay Ridley, on an over-sized bed that he had specifically requested the frigates be outfitted with ("Dammit, I'm a _Dragon_, not some science experiment!"), gently asleep. Kraid slowly approached his friend. The dragon lay flat on his back, only a light sheet covering him, no doubt more protocol than practicality. Most of his torso was tightly wrapped in bandages, so much so that Kraid had to wonder at the point of it. To prevent infection? His immune system _may_ have been compromised by the repeated trauma, but the dragon's almost insane healing factor should have taken care of the physical aspects of his injuries. Ridley began to stir.

"Ugggh, did you get the number of the bus that plowed me?"

"SA-01"

"Figures," Ridley coughed, "Bitch should really learn how to drive."

"How're you feeling?"

"Like I swallowed a bus, and it drove out through my stomach?"

They shared a nervous chuckle.

"Looks like she did a number on you, too."

Kraid looked himself over. He was barely any taller than a young-ling pirate.

"All those years of molting, flushed down the drain for nothing."

"I take it the metroids didn't make it."

"Not a single one. She was real thorough."

There was a pause as Ridley growled.

"So whose bright idea was it to rig the planet?"

"I dunno; probably Mother Brain's."

"Urghh," Ridley groaned, leaning back and closing his eyes, "You'd think a giant brain in a jar would be smarter than that."

"Well, the bomb was tied to her bio-signs, as usual," Kraid told him with an eye-roll, "So she's definitely dead now."

Ridley cracked an eye open and fixed him with a patronizing look.

"Hey," Kraid defended himself, "Even if she could self-resuscitate like we can, there's no way she escaped the whole planet going up. She didn't have the same time to recover that you did."

Ridley harrumphed, and closed his eyes again.

"So what's our next move?" Kraid asked after another pause.

"I'm not the leader anymore," Ridley replied blithely, without opening his eyes, Kraid looked ready to say something, but Ridley kept talking, "So we head back to HQ and see what the big cadre of asshats wants to do."

Kraid let out a low, guttural growl.

"I know, Kraid," Ridley now sat up and looked at the lizard before him, "The whole thing's gone fubar since..." he shook his head and gestured vaguely, "hell, since we blew up K2-L. But they haven't even come close to eradicating us, not once. So we'll bide," he smiled now, with a glint in his eye, "we'll bide, and bide, and bide some more, until we can bring ourselves back to our former glory." He chuckled, lying back again, "Who knows, with the brain gone, maybe we can focus on something a little less _conspicuous_ than _metroids_."

Kraid smirked and snorted, and resisted the urge to salute.

"Alright, I've already set course for the Homeworld; I'm going to get back up to the bridge. Get some rest, buddy."

Ridley smiled as Kraid strode out.

"Kraid?" He called out.

"Yes?"

"Thanks, old friend."

"Always."

* * *

Well, that could have gone worse.

Could have gone _better_, but certainly could have gone worse.

It was times like this, strolling down the sidewalk from Federation HQ, recalling the mission report she just gave, that Samus was thankful she was a Space Hunter and no longer part of the Federation Police.

He trek through the city was mostly free of staring eyes, strange as that may seem for one of her fame and renown. She picked her way through the pedestrian traffic, most not even knowing what she looked like outside of the legendary orange armor; and for anyone else, all it took was one or two displays of the painful, bone-cracking consequences to teach any bystanders not to mess with the blonde in the booty shorts.

"It's like they don't even _read_ the mission log," she murmured to herself, with a shake of her head, blond hair waving back and forth.

* * *

"So the extinction of the metroids is complete?"

"Yes, that is definitely complete."

"Despite the metroid larva that you returned to Ceres Station."

"Yes, especially despite that."

"Please explain."

"Well, as detailed in the _mission log_..."

* * *

Honestly, it was a miracle she hadn't gone postal on the Galactic Federation Congressional Space Hunter Oversight Committee yet. A miracle named Chairman Keaton. If not for him and his tactful mediation, she most likely would have said something petulant or offensive that would have landed her in the brig a long time ago. Then again, given most of the other bounty hunters she'd encountered over the years, she couldn't really blame them for treating her like a grade-schooler before the principal. She could count the number of competent bounty hunters on one hand. Two, if you counted the non-federation aligned hunters. And, well, an entire _planet_ had gone kaboom this time.

* * *

"And what is the current situation on Zebes?"

"It's gone."

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's gone. It's all gone."

"WHAT? You destroyed th—"

"Congressman Vogl! Please allow Samus to elaborate."

"Thank you, Chairman. Once I had disposed of the Mother Brain, alarms went off announcing the detonation of a time bomb. Due to the proximity of the new Tourian to the planet's core, and the payload of the charges, the core became unstable and detonated."

"Unfortunate, but it seems there is no limit to the atrocities the Space Pirates are capable of."

"At the very least, we'll never see Kraid or Ridley again."

* * *

"Hey Kraid, you wanna go grab a beer?"

"Dude, I would kill for a beer right now."

"Great, let's go raid the canteen."

* * *

She turned the corner and continued her brisk pace; one destination on her mind.

_I need to get this whole fiasco out of my head. One case of genocide, one planet wiped out of existence, became a parent, lost the baby...good God, what a day._

* * *

"What are you going to do now?" The Chairman's voice was full of concern, and oddly comforting, "Not look for another mission, I hope. You've been through enough in the past few days, Samus."

"_I,_" she told him, now that all the other Congressmen had left, "am going to get hammered."

* * *

The bartender greeted her with a nod as she slid into the seat.

"The usual," she told him, before placing half of her face in her hand and adding with a sigh, "make it stiff."

* * *

"Some days I hate my job," Ridley muttered to himself as he stalked through the twisting corridors of Space Pirate HQ. Pausing before an enormous hatch to crack his neck, he flicked the door with a finger nail and it whooshed open before him. He walked though, posture erect, into the middle of a cavernous and dimly lit room. A sole spotlight was in the middle, which Ridley entered, saluting a group of shadowed figures behind a tall, wide podium.

"Commander Ridley," one hissed, "Good..."

"Where are the rest?" another asked, with a hint of annoyance.

"I represent my fellow commanders," Ridley told them, voice all business. "Commanders Kraid, Phantoon and Draygon have authorized me to report on their behalf."

"Please give your report, then."

Fighting the tremendous urge to roll his eyes at these pencil pushers' attempts to appear intimidating, he began.

"As I'm sure you understand from the last transmissions from Zebes, I was able to capture the last metroid, but not to escape detection by the hunter."

"A careless mistake."

_Funny, that's what your mother said about you._

"Our cloning attempts were successful, as I'm sure you know," Ridley continued, "And we were even able to accelerate the larva's growth via over-exposure to beta-rays."

"Interesting," they interrupted him again, "Is science team aware of this?"

_Yes, the _one_ surviving member of science team is _well_ aware._

"I believe Thomas is giving his report as we speak."

"Very good. Continue."

"I'm not sure how much more information you received, but the Hunter was able to subdue all four Commanders, releasing the bio-locks on New Tourian."

"An unfortunate circumstance," one cut him off.

"But not entirely unexpected," another chimed in.

"Unfortunately." They were ignoring him weren't they?

_Someday I'll be laughing when I drink your blood._

_"__Anyway,_" Ridley cut in, "while I was not present during the raid on Tourian," _I was too busy with the sucking chest wound,_ "I was informed things proceeded much like they did during the Hunter's first raid on Zebes." _Well, having my belly stuffed full of high-yield TNT was a new one._

"The entire operation proceeded much too similarly."

_Oh, gee, that couldn't be the fault of the guys who tried the _exact same plan_ as last time, could it?_

"In this case," Ridley ignored the barb, "From what I'm told, the location chosen for New Tourian was too close to the planet's core. Combined with the increased payload for the self-destruct, the entire planet became unstable and detonated."

"And who chose the site for New Tourian?" They already knew the answer.

_The creepy, ugly, psycho-bitch, who else?_

"Mother Brain."

"Yesssssss…Mother…" one hissed, both in consideration and admiration, "We do not doubt her wisdom. This was the intended outcome."

_Brown-nosing boot-licker._

"Now, we shall discuss your next mission."

Ridley saluted again. "Sir."

"You are to take a team of men to the planet SR388,"

_No…_

"While we have information that the Hunter was successful in eradicating the population of metroids,"

_No, no, no…_

"It is possible this information is faulty."

_No f_ing way._

"Take as many men as you need and determine if there are any metroids that we can salvage."

_Just how many times are we going to try THE SAME DAMN PLAN?_

"This may be our last chance to recover the ultimate bio-weapons."

"Sirs, if I may—"

"Dismissed, Commander."

_Up yours, ignorant sycophant._

* * *

The large door closed behind him with a metallic whoosh, and Ridley paused. A grin broke out on his face. A grin that became a chuckle. A chuckle that became a full-belly guffaw.

"Heh. Heh heh heh. Heh heh, hahaha—HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Haha...hah...haaaaa...I'm gonna kill those guys someday."

He stalked off through the unfeeling corridors, tail swishing irritability behind him.

"I hate my job."


End file.
